Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA

- Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

- Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

- Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

- Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

- Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

- (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

- I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

- Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

- This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

- It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

- We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

- Don't worry! That one is always on E...

- Get the parachutes ready...

- Drinks are on me...

- I'll have what the Captain's having...

- Hey capt'n take another hit man...